Do you sometimes
feel locked in a struggle with yourself? I know I do. Why is it that we know
what we want to do, but it's such a struggle to actually get it done? Even
Saint Paul writes, in a letter to the Romans, "I do not do the good I
want, but the evil I do not want is what I do." Even the most successful
people wind up struggling with procrastination, overeating, overspending,
drinking too much, saying things you don't mean, or getting involved with the
wrong people. As I work with my clients, the issue of internal struggle comes
up over and over again. #0160; What's going on? It's inner warfare: a fight
with yourself.
Internal warfare
produces a constant noise in one's mind, as the voices of opposing thoughts
become locked in never-ending argument, which makes clear thinking almost
impossible. Whenever the inner war rages, you will use poor judgment in the
important decisions of your life, because a substantial part of your thinking
ability is hampered. Just imagine trying to think in a room where two people
are arguing about everything, most of the time!
When you can't
think clearly:
* You are not able
to understand the intuitive information you are receiving that could tell you
who is trustworthy and who is unreliable;
* You are not able
to evaluate all the options available to you and make clear decisions; and
* You cannot sort
out the difference between realistic options and options that are too
pessimistic or too optimistic to serve as the basis of a good decision.
In addition, the
exhaustion resulting from constant turmoil causes you to "forget" or
feel unable to think clearly about your circumstances and your actions, which
leads you to be dependent on others to do your thinking for you.
As long as it goes
on this way, the inner war is unwinnable, since all sides feel equally right,
and equally powerful. Even if one side could win, you'd be operating at half
power, unable to think clearly, or unable to feel feelings; which is what
happens to many people. Just as in wars in the external world, both sides
inevitably pay a heavy price.
When you learn how
to manage your thinking and get all sides to negotiate and work together, you
create a problem-solving team that is both intuitive and rational, creative and
practical. Only when your internal war is settled, and both sides form a
working partnership, can you use the full power of your thinking ability.
To achieve this
inner teamwork, take small steps in the beginning:
* When feelings of
embarrassment, unworthiness, shame, or fear arise, just slow down and give
yourself a chance to relax.
* Don't push or
criticize yourself, but reassure and encourage yourself past the problem.
Discussing issues
with yourself, asking yourself questions, and comforting yourself are hard
concepts to understand, because part of you is focused on others, not on
yourself. Even once you understand how to confront your inner feelings, you may
resist at first, because you feel confused, ashamed or embarrassed. Old,
ingrained subconscious beliefs that your feelings are frightening, and that
you're unworthy of attention are fighting with your new, rational adult
knowledge that you are important to you.
Once you negotiate
an internal truce, you can become a new kind of person, within whom both the
intuitive, feeling part and the rational, acting part work together for the
common good, without a "good guy" or "bad guy", or winner
and loser, but seeking to solve problems so that both sides are satisfied.
Negotiation, communication. and partnership become an integral part of your
relationship with yourself, producing a sense of wholeness and power that give
you the confidence to take risks and the motivation to get things done. It
truly takes the self-image of a warrior, at times, to continue the hero's
journey toward fully living life.
I wish you peace:
within yourself, within your family, within the world.
Tina B. Tessina,
Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30
years experience in counselling individuals and couples and author of 13 books
in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction;
The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About
the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her
newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the
"Dr. Romance" blog, and the "Happiness Tips from Tina"
email newsletter.
