The first way to
become a better listener is to listen to learn - don't listen to be polite.
Listen from a place of curiosity about generosity. In fact, learn about the person
talking and less time listening to think of an opportunity to speak. Truly
understand first. True dialogue doesn't happen when we pretend to listen and it
certainly can't happen if we're not listening at all and only preparing to
speak. If you ever finished a conversation and learned nothing surprising you
truly weren't listening in the first place.
The second point is
that of quieting your own agenda. To really listen to somebody else is trying
to say we need information that is dis-confirming to our own agenda not
confirming it. We need to think about what the other person is saying so that
we can better understand what it is they're trying to present not looking for
other things that they're saying that we confirm our own agenda.
We can do this by asking
more questions. The more questions we ask the more answers we can receive.When
you put yourself in this place you take yourself out of authority in the
situation and created a situation where they're the ones that are in control.
When you ask questions, you create a safe space for other people to give you an
unvarnished truth.
Another things you
will want to focus on is your talk versus you're listening ratio. Pay attention
to your talk/listening ratio. Strive for a 2:1 ratio of listening/ talking. If
you can talk for a minute then listen for two minutes. This allows the other
person to know how important they are to you. This will in return also allow
you to better understand their heart in the situation.
An easy way to do
this is repeat what you've heard. This is also called active listening. Repeat
back to the speaker exactly what you heard. You can do it identical to what
they just said, but then you sound like a silly parrot.
If I were to
say, "The other day I went and I talked to Mary about grocery
shopping list. She told me what she was going to get."
A way to actively
listen...
"So you're
telling me that Mary told you what she was picking up at the grocery store
yesterday when you talk to her?"
It's good if the
speaker agrees with what you heard. Then she/he feels validated that you are
listening and you can move forward in the conversation. If not, the speaker
would need to reitterate what their statement to the listener really was.
Another key thing
is that most people do not to wait until the other person is done talking. We
live in a culture and society here in America in which we always talk over one
another in such a way nobody actually finishes a full thought or sentence.
Therefore, there is no clear communication. Actually wait until someone is done
talking before you choose to respond to them. The most difficult aspect of
listening effectively is waiting for the end of a sentence before formulating a
reply.
If you work on
these few six steps of becoming a better listener you will see a massive
improvement in communication skills that you have with family, friends, and
co-workers.
As an author and
speaker, Chad Nedland ministers as God leads. Teaching of the fullness of a
life with God and edifying the body of Christ is his life's definite purpose.
His greatest
passion is encouraging and challenging other believers to walk in the fullness
of their calling and identity in Christ. His goal is to never have a
conversation or interaction with someone that does not change something within
them, drawing them closer to God.
